


Totes His Goat

by verfound



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Bleeding Heart Farmer Luka, Endgame Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, F/M, Farmer Luka, Goats, LBSC Sprint Fic Challenge, Luka Adopts All The Ganky Animals, Marinette just wanted a hamster, Prompt Fic, Sprint Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26667313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verfound/pseuds/verfound
Summary: Luka returns from the family trip to the motherland with a surprise.  It’s…not really a welcome one.
Relationships: Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 31
Kudos: 78
Collections: LBSCSprintFicChallenge





	Totes His Goat

**Author's Note:**

> Second LBSC Sprint Fic Challenge is on, y’all! The prompt was “Do you ever just forget that they’re Couffaines? But then they do something like this?” I have no idea where this came from. Part of it was stories from my SIL about her goat Dolly Parton. Part of it was a stressful week at work leading to a need to SCREAM. Part of it is Quick’s HC that Luka Adopts All the Ganky Animals. Part of it is I just really like goats ok. And shoutout to BLA for the title. (Also like…very minimal editing was done on this & I’m very proud of that. I broke my personal sprinting record with this one. xD)

“Do you ever just…forget that they’re Couffaines?” Rose asked, her voice sounding hollow and small. Dumbstruck – about as dumbstruck as Marinette was herself as they surveyed the disaster that had previously been her nice, safe, comfortable bedroom. It looked like a tornado had hit it now, with fabric and paper and stuffing and _chaos_ scattered and ripped and shredded everywhere. “But then they do something like…like _this_.”

She actually did. Sometimes. She had become more familiar with Juleka’s wicked streak over the years, but Luka hid his _so well_. Unless his dumbass best friend was involved. Then it showed in spades.

But this? This…she couldn’t even blame Dingo on things this time. This was all, completely, totally, one hundred percent Luka’s fault. It had been _his idea_.

…she wondered if she could blame Jagged and faulty genetics that had apparently taken nineteen years to kick in.

“I’m…I’m choosing to forget that right now, actually,” Marinette said, taking a deep, shaky breath. Luka was trying to smile at her from where he sat in the center of the chaos, but he looked entirely too guilty for that smile to be effective. He knew he’d screwed up.

Beside him, the goat he’d brought home from Scotland just screamed.

– V –

It hadn’t _entirely_ been Luka’s…no, no, no, Marinette wasn’t going to make _any_ excuses for her dumbass boyfriend this time. It was all his fault, they both knew it, _he knew it_ , and he was going to have to live with it. So it _had_ entirely been Luka’s fault, because Luka was the one who had seen the goats on his seanair’s farm, and he was the one who had thought they were the coolest things ever, and maybe that’s where Jagged’s stupid genetics came in (at least a goat wasn’t a crocodile?), and Luka had been the one who’d spent his own stupid money on a stupid goat that he’d then sailed back to Paris because you couldn’t just _buy a stupid French goat from home it had to be a stupid Scottish goat because –_

Deep breaths. Deeeeeeep breaths.

She knew, ultimately, it wasn’t _just_ because it was a goat and Luka had thought the goats were cool. She saw the eyes. She knew there was more to this goat’s story. She knew Luka had pulled another _Rose_ (…she refused to think about the snake, and the dog, and the freakin’ _pigeon_ ) the moment he’d seen the thing.

Marinette spared one tiny second for the less than generous thought of _how could the Captain let him…_

The thought never finished, because she’d no sooner thought ‘Captain’ before she remembered that Luka was _technically_ an adult, could legally make these decisions for himself, and had bought the goat fair and square. With his own money.

…she did bitterly wonder how many pizzas he’d had to deliver to buy the stupid thing, but she knew more likely than not the money had come from the shows he’d done with Jagged. Stupid rising rock star.

She supposed she could _maybe_ blame the Captain, because the only reason Luka had been in Scotland was because his seanair had gotten sick. No. That wasn’t right. His seanair was _dying_ , and the family had wanted to see _the miserable old bastard_ _one last time before he_ _shoved off_ , as the Captain had said. There had never been much love lost between her and her father, and Marinette had honestly only met the man once when Luka was eighteen and he’d come down for Hogmanay. If she was honest, she hadn’t really liked him that much, either.

(He was old and cranky and reminded her too much of Roland, except at least Roland had eventually come around. Luka’s seanair was just…a piece of work.)

But, as Luka had patiently explained, his nan was a blessed saint, and they were going more for her than anything else. Mainly because the Captain was trying to convince her to come back to Paris with her, as once his seanair had passed she’d be all alone and was too old to run the farm by herself. The Captain had no desire to moor for any length of time in her homeland (too many ghosts and memories), and she’d hoped she’d have an easier time convincing her mother if the ‘kids’ were with her.

…instead she’d come back with a slightly-batty old Scottish nan and _three_ kids. Because Luka had fallen in love with a young blind goat. And had brought it home. Because he was not only the son of Anarka Couffaine but also Jagged Stone, and his Stone genes meant _weird-ass pets were perfectly normal,_ apparently.

Why couldn’t he like hamsters, like a normal person? Marinette would even settle for a dog (preferably something small that didn’t shed). But a _goat?_ Who the hell bought a _goat_ when they were either on the road or living in a _boat_ ninety percent of their life? How did you even care for a goat? Did he think about any of that? Did he get a crash course in Goat Keeping 101, or did he just find the cutest (ok ugliest really) one and decide, in pure Couffaine fashion, to _wing it?_

…Marinette knew the answer to that. Really, by now, she did. It wasn’t so much a _Couffaine Thing_ as it was a _Luka Thing_ , because on top of everything else her beloved boyfriend shared Rose’s bleeding heart. So he had not only found the ugliest kid he could find, but it was also…ok Marinette knew goats had weird eyes, but this one was somehow _worse_. They were…oozing. And crusty. And discolored. And…Luka was trying to explain what was wrong with its eyes. And she wasn’t hearing any of it.

“Good luck, sister dude,” Juleka snickered, clapping a hand on her shoulder, and Marinette almost lashed out at her. At least now she understood why Juleka had been snickering the entire way back to the bakery. The jerk had _known_ what was waiting for her. What Luka had hinted at but hadn’t told her when he’d said he _had a surprise._ She heard movement behind her, and she was able to turn her head enough to see Rose and Juleka heading back down the stairs – _the stairs!_ And that was the other thing!

_How the hell had Luka snuck that thing up the stairs?!_

Her parents had to know. There was _no way_ he got the goat up here without her parents knowing. And they hadn’t even warned her! Was this some kind of punishment for staying up too late working on that commission (and y’know _saving Paris)_ and oversleeping and missing her morning shift last weekend? She was working all day next Saturday to make up for it! How could they be so –

“So we’ve got an appointment set up with the vet tomorrow, don’t we, buddy?” Luka cooed, scratching the goat behind its ears. It bleated as it continued to chew the paper in its mouth, and Luka winced as he quickly snatched the sheet away from it. It bleated again before it started rooting through the mess around them, its stubby little tail flicking. “They actually said they might have to remove both eyes. She’s never gonna see again, but…Mari? Darning, I need you to breathe.”

“I am breathing,” she said quickly, but then she realized with a gasp she really hadn’t been. With Rose and Juleka gone, there was a glow and scurry by the Miracle Mural on her wall, and she sucked in another breath as Ziggy flew out of her nest to sniff around the kid.

“Master!” the little goat kwami bleated, and Marinette’s eyes crossed as Luka’s goat screamed again. On her desk, Sass and Tikki continued to share a macaron and blissfully ignore the destruction around them. “How could you bring this…this…”

The goat gave a hefty sniff, found the little kwami, opened its mouth, and _screamed._ Ziggy’s eyes crossed in indignation, and without any warning she _screamed back_.

Marinette quit. She absolutely quit. She gave up. She fell to her knees, and Luka scrambled through the debris around them to sit before her, his hands finding her shoulders and grounding her. She took a breath, then another, and another. He was starting to come into focus. If she just looked at Luka, and remembered how much she loved him, then she wouldn’t see the disaster her bedroom had become. And she wouldn’t join the goats in the screaming.

“Darning, talk to me,” he pleaded, squeezing her shoulders slightly.

“You bought a goat,” she said. He nodded.

“I bought a goat,” he confirmed, but then he shrugged. “Well. I _kinda_ bought a goat. Technically Nan still owned her, and Nan was weird about my actually paying her, but we were going to use the funds from the sale to help set her up here, so I felt bad _not_ paying, and…”

He winced when she continued to stare at him, so he just nodded.

“I bought a goat,” he said.

“A _disabled_ goat,” she clarified.

“They were going to kill her, Mari,” he said, sounding so much like Rose she almost started laughing. “Well. Maybe not. But probably. Nan’s selling the entire farm, and there was no one to take care of any of her herd, and no one was going to buy Dolly with her eyes like they are. Even the vet said the operation’s risky and…I couldn’t just _leave her_ , Marinette.”

Of course he couldn’t.

“But she’s a _goat_ ,” Marinette said. Her eyes darted past Luka to where Ziggy and Tikki were trying to pull one of the cushions from her chaise – which had landed by her desk – out of the…out of Dolly’s? Out of Dolly’s mouth. “And you brought her into my room. How did you even get her up here?”

“It was easier than you’d think,” Luka said with a chuckle. “Goats are natural climbers, and she’s small enough I could carry her part of the way.”

He gestured to a shredded black _thing_ on her rug. It looked like, once upon a time, white writing had been on it.

“And I had that to help before…y’know. She ate it,” he said with another laugh. “Rose found it online when Juleka told her about Dolly. It was a tote that said _My Goat._ To. Y’know. Tote my goat.”

She was also willfully ignoring _that._

“But she’s a _goat_ ,” Marinette said again, feeling like her brain was on loop, stuck on that one fact.

“I know,” Luka chuckled again. He looked back over his shoulder, his gaze softening as he watched Dolly amble about the room, blindly chasing Ziggy. “You should have seen her on the farm. She kept running into things, and then she just…tottered up to me, screaming. I couldn’t just leave her there once Nan said the guy who was gonna buy her…I couldn’t do that to her, Mari. Just look at her.”

Marinette was. She was looking at the shaggy, scraggly, crusty-eyed baby goat rooting around her destroyed bedroom and thinking maybe she shouldn’t have given up on Adrien Agreste so quickly. Hell, right now _Dingo_ was looking like a good alternative.

“She destroyed my bedroom, Luka,” she said, taking a deep breath. “That…I don’t even want to look at what she was eating. Just tell me that’s not the red sketchbook.”

“It was blue,” Luka said, and Marinette groaned before dropping her head on his shoulder. His arms automatically came up around her, but this time that only made her feel a little better.

“That’s _worse_ ,” she whined, fisting her hands in his jacket. The blue one had been her idea book for her university applications.

“…and your backpack,” Luka added. Marinette groaned again. “And she might have…there may have been a bathroom incident. With the old Adrien photos. That I might not have tried too hard to stop.”

…she didn’t care so much about the photos – she had been meaning to throw them out, anyway, and really the only ones she had kept were for research purposes and had nothing to do with a long-dead crush. But she did care about the _smell_ , which she had just attributed to _goat_. She tightened her fists in his shirt and tried not to scream.

“Master!”

They both looked up at the indignant shout. Ziggy was hovering by their heads, shaking as she glared at Luka. She sucked in a mighty breath, and the next thing either of them knew… _she spat in Luka’s face._ He blinked at her, his eyes crossing to try and see the spit on his nose, but then Ziggy was sucking in another breath and screaming at him. Marinette winced and ducked her face back into Luka’s chest.

“How could you?! We trusted you with our Mistress!” Ziggy wailed.

“Ziggy, come on, she’s a –” Luka tried, but Ziggy was screaming again.

“She’s destroyed Mistress’s room! Her hard work! _She’s not potty-trained and pooped in front of my burrow!_ ” Ziggy screeched, and Luka winced.

“Ok, my bad, I thought I got everything –” he tried, but Ziggy was still screaming. Marinette heard her spit again, and she tried to ignore the sudden wet feeling in her hair. She was actually supportive of the kwami’s aggravation at the moment.

“I am the only goat allowed around here, you…you… _SNAKE!_ ” Ziggy finished with a huff, crossing her arms and turning around to sulk. Sass snickered from Marinette’s desk, and Luka sent him a desperate look.

“I would feel sssssimilarly if you’d brought home another sssssnake,” Sass hissed before reaching for another macaron. Luka rolled his eyes. He’d only had the albino snake for a week before he’d found it a home, but Sass had never let it go. “At leasssst my kind don’t eat Missssstressss’s bedroom. You deserve thissss.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Luka grumbled. Marinette peeked up from his chest, a slight smile on her face when she saw how disgruntled Luka looked, but there was a nudging on her sleeve. She looked down to find Dolly nudging her with her white-and-brown spotted nose. Luka gave her an encouraging smile, and Marinette sighed as she reached out to scratch behind Dolly’s ears. The goat shambled closer, trying to wedge herself between them as she bleated…quietly, which was kind of a relief after all the screaming. “Awww. See, Mari? She likes you.”

Marinette’s smile was hesitant. Nervous. She kept scratching behind Dolly’s ears, and she was just starting to think that ok, maybe, yeah…the goat wasn’t _all that bad_.

…until she hurked.

And spit up in Marinette’s lap.

And then Marinette decided the goats were right and screaming really was the only possible option here.

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpccpglnNf0  
> 1:03 is Luka and Dolly  
> 1:23 is Luka and Ziggy
> 
> And because I'm trying to convince myself there's not gonna be more of this...  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI4hzzepEcI  
> Just picture Luka trying to give Dolly a bath, chasing her across the Liberty, and she just...faints. Into the Seine. And Mari just sits there on a deckchair, working on a design, going, "I TOLD YOU we should've stuck with a hamster." Has to save her dumbass boyfriend because he won't let the goat drown (convinces Kaalki to open a portal; dumps half the river on his head once they're safe).


End file.
